be it

dear M
your mail is in receipt, with the attachment;
I downloaded it but chose to leave it to time, when I see myself ready, I'll then walk it thru.
Not that I've chosen to leave any mournful feeling behind, the layman's term: forget;
nay, but I know for sure she'd rather we'll change the form, of grief, to walk on, with her, now in a different form of being in us.
Grief has no shape, I'm not asking you to let go. Be it, the way you feel how it's supposed to be, as is.
take care,

狗經

我吃食，狗坐腳邊，等了又等，用盡佢d殺死人眼神，滿面甜言蜜語。
仲冇，開始不耐煩，哼哼唧唧，然後發惡，兩足人立，頂天立地完全冇平衡問題，企得咁上下前爪來抓大腿手臂，是置諸死地而後生。
好言相向：你唔食得架，食左會死架。
好似聽見狗用喉嚨說話：咁你俾我死。
這狗其實是英文台，佢主人用英文同佢溝通。至此一般只兩種結局，一是我投降，俾。二是我發惡，用佢簡易母語斥之：You bad bad dog, go, go away.
於是酒闌人散，狗打一個大大噴嚏，走開。
咁o既行為藝術，淺白易明，係spit on you.

狗在我家一向待遇不會差。是遺傳基因，今已傳至姪女兒，狗之屬主。
之冇得食，係據云佢有糖尿病、血脂高、過肥(咩標準呢？)又哮喘。
哮喘我見過。有時忽然企定，喉嚨嘰哩咕嚕作嘔嘔唔出，第一次以為佢同我玩，然後眼見佢透唔到氣之悽慘自己又無能為力，想起患哮喘病朋友用噴劑，狗有冇用呢？
姪女聽從獸醫建議，嚴控飲食。可她買回來d狗食真係狗都唔食。
好言相勸：換下第二種啦，餐餐好似要佢食毒葯咁。
得來白眼同埋怨：餓佢就會食啦，你成日俾第二d野佢食。
仗義每多屠狗輩？我餵狗咋喎。主人不在，狗糧加幾撮白飯，佢開開心心連d毒葯食哂。
向主人報告，又嬲：白飯有糖架，我俾埋醫院個電話你，佢遲早要入ER。
佢主人係教育碩士，目下教小一。咁我都算受過下教育喎，食白飯要入ER？
咁食菜得掛？這狗其實中意食crunchy類蔬菜同生果，尤其橙同桃，只要聞見，冇份食勢係假。關上房門食橙，以為可得一頓安樂吃，狗鼻係萬物之靈，千里追蹤，隔了房門狂抓。好喇，食哂，手都洗埋，佢進得門來非常不滿，周圍巡視，一隻狗鼻極忙，聞完房間聞洗手間，我好似作賊心虛，幾乎要問：阿sir，你有冇入房搜查令架？
狗又打一個噴嚏，揚長收隊。

morning blue

早上出門，狗就跟到門邊，後腿盤坐前腿直立，這樣的身體語言是in transition，觀望、送別、守候、等待，反正總必有下一個動作承接、完成。
關門之前彎身拍拍狗的頭，Be good。狗姿勢不變，兩顆龍眼核波子眼黑森森裡總有千言萬語。
車子從車庫倒退街上，看見落地窗的垂直百葉簾一處給擠成倒V形，可以想像門關上之後，狗兩條後腿站起來擺架移向客廳，安安靜靜坐下來目送這不知道算不算也是主人漸行漸遠。
這是狗的morning blue。
每日如是。帶著狗的morning blue出門，心裡便有了牽掛。
這一年夏天有緣相會，而夏日行將過去。
這個blog本來就因狗而開。
開張以來世事常變；主角都還未出場，大頭相半張未見；卻總是，無以話當前。

大大大大洛杉磯——主義

Los Angeles is a city like no other.
From Hollywood hot spots to Santa Monica sunsets, we know we’re blessed.

係乜？唔係詩喎——

That’s why we created the xxx card from xxxx, the credit card that helps you get the most out of the glamorous, sun-kissed city you love.

才三幾個月就跌入junk mail網，d 所謂preapproved card一張又一張寄來。
呢封size特大，擱一邊幾日未拆，今日打開，圖文並茂，d L.A. sight and scene攝影一d唔行貨，連用d紙質都係我中意，就算冇打算要張咭都唔忍心隨手丟左佢。
最衰係唔鬼識scan and post d幾唔錯o既攝影黎呢個蓬蓽，生下輝。
咁就抄多兩句：

When you’re out and about in LA, you never know who you’ll rub shoulders with.

Who? To rub shoulders with? Well, 唔知架。但知d文字都好inviting，文采唔算風流都唔係流。
咁花本錢同心思，可見d咭公司刮埋幾多民脂民膏。
仲見識埋咩叫做無所不用——
其極。
Deliciously sentimental.

寫下寫下離了題 , well, so what...

常常從生活出走，漸漸當然發現，又走得幾遠？
過慣了穿睡衣開工日子，寫意自在，與人對話，反應開始慢幾拍，甚且天馬行空，牛頭唔搭馬咀。
以日作夜，以夜作日，有人約食lunch談事情，若來者熟人，開門見山，問可不可以改為下午茶；來者笑，都好，費事你都未目訓醒，冇心機聽。
一桌人吃喝笑，總有人笑夠了就來指頭篤面：睇佢白成個樣。/人地駛幾多錢去美白都唔夠佢白。/鬼咩佢十世都唔曬下太陽。
已經久不穿著坦胸露臂衣服，不是怕左道德重整會，而是兩條慘白光管手臂，自己先觸目驚心。
物以類聚，與G說起受人揶揄，G說，我已經好耐去唔到銀行存收到d支票。
咁ATM呢。G說，我唔係好識用。
咁佢係藝術家，比我悲壯好多。
G還有話說：齣戲我好想睇，專登逼自己日頭去睇，你知唔知一開場就目訓著，訓到散場，係Art Center，散場時隔離個人個樣幾不屑我。
咁一人一票，訓覺冇罪喎。
於是一路笑，笑到腸臟開始隱隱作痛，然後漫延上心。
Anything that has something to deal with your heart, there is a problem.

如此星辰皆昨夜。
對上一回見G是在靈堂，她哭了又哭眼淚是崩缺的河，骨瘦如柴大熱夏天穿兩重長袖衣服。我們擁抱，我向她說你要保重，但覺懷中抱著一把顫動的骨頭，只一放手她就散落一地。
然後時日總必過去。我在白花花日光底下看見G的作品佔滿一整幅大廈外牆迎向大街，爾後斷斷續續不同媒介聽到她的聲音；不可以說就這樣放了心，卻也知道，總有人從廢墟彎身執拾滿地碎片，湊湊拼拼似番個人，再試下可以又走得幾遠。

and thus, the color is gone

Summer, Forty Years Later
Russell Edson

He struggles out of a closet where his mother had hung him forty years ago.
She didn't understand children; she probably thought he was something made of cloth.
He thinks he has waited long enough for her to understand children, even though he is no longer a child.
After forty years a man has a right to seek the hallway; after all, he might even hope for the front door--and who knows, perhaps even a Nobel Prize for patience!
From the front porch he sees that the midday sky is darker than he remembered it; the green of the lawn and trees has also darkened: too many nights, too many coats of varnish. . . .
This is not the same summer, the color is gone. . .
. . . That little boy who is always passing the house with his wagon has turned into a little old man collecting garbage. . .

----這名男子未來的下落恐怕都幾悽迷...

scrabbles

我們的祖先說路是人走出來的，可在今日，大多數的路由推土機輾平。
擋路的樹，理該移走？路可不可以試著彎一下？都市文明之前進不一定都與萬惡勾結，然而人文之存或毀，也許不過就在某些人一念之間。
筆直的路，當然便捷，便捷以外，可以允許蜿蜒曲折的小徑猶有存在的空間嗎？
千百年之後，這些貪圖一時之快的路，將要通向何處？

廢字堆裡找出這麼一堆字。
也許寫得太serious，無心繼續。
那時看見有人哭中大的樹；那日回到Santa Monica Beach，隨步隨行，都不敢伸手碰觸，那些些列列站滿長長路上、不必擔心會忽然失蹤的樹；樹們早已不記年歲，太平洋在眼前，年和月的記憶在腳下，心裡牽掛一些人、某些事，而他們必終將，必終將一步一步，漸行漸遠。
是為時間
之
傷
。

echo of traces

yes, 咁就算係搵到黎。
就算不著一言，somehow noted.
點知？等你扮夠當冇到，得閒話你知。

有時扮下輸，其實即係贏。
你話呢？

忽然想貼下白萩

只要晨光醒來
白萩

只要你輕輕地將我們觸及，晨光
只要輕輕地將我們的夢戳破
我們便要醒來，戴上面具
在世界的跟前，做一個無所謂的人

我們有死的愴痛
當鷹鷲滑過天空
影子投在青青的草上
我們要做一個無所謂的人
哈哈大笑戴上面具
在肚子裡流眼淚

只要你從黑暗中醒來
我們便已死去
戴上面具
做一個無所謂的人

自己大聲的回應

有人
白萩

眾蟬鼓嘈
而一蟬沉默
眾蟬沉默
而一蟬高吟
有人

對著天空深處
點叫自己
自己大聲的回應

借詩還魂

忽然懷念有一段日子，在別人的留言版顛顛dud地嬉戲，言不及義、語無倫次，三更半夜對住電腦篤篤篤，其情其狀其實有d似唔知幾多失之少年，硬要留連街頭，視歸如死。
適逢該名版主亦唔知為乜，日理萬機仲晚晚送往迎來，兵來將擋、水來口水花倒淹，大家都幾快樂，或者應該話，各顧各、自得其樂。
冇乜好講又或乜都唔想講就整首詩貼下。古往今來好詩唔少，自己都見過一d，copy and paste，容乜易。詩好，言有盡，意無窮。
若換作貼連載小說，傻咩。
有d貼完就算，有d順手copy一份。當中Amichai的[A Dog After Love]得版主歡心，話要過把癮，譯之。佢o既係文雅版。有句話十年唔逢一閏？(今年就閏七月啦。) 本人一時手癢，打破唔譯詩o既慣例，插一把手加個嬉戲版，今日魂魄唔齊失手摷出來，一不做二不休，借詩還魂。

After you left me
自你撇我
I let a dog smell at
搵隻狗黎聞
My chest and my belly.
我心口肚腩
It will fill its nose
佢聞夠聞飽
And set out to find you.
就出發去摷你

I hope it will tear the
我想佢撕開
Testicles of your lover and bite off his penis
你新歡o既蛋蛋兼咬甩佢何B仔
Or at least
至少至少
Will bring me your stockings between his teeth.
用佢棚牙擔你o既絲襪返黎

(04/2004)

行行重行行

過了傷心那扇窄門
穿過的
到底是門裡門外？

好彩仲有Berryman

Dream Song 118: He wondered: Do I love? all this applause
John Berryman

He wondered: Do I love? all this applause,
young beauties sitting at my feet & all,
and all.
It tires me out, he pondered: I'm tempted to break laws
and love myself, or the stupid questions asked me
move me to homicide—

so many beauties, one on either side,
the wall's behind me, into which I crawl
out of my repeating voice—
the mike folds down, the foolish askers fall
over theirselves in an audience of ashes
and Henry returns to rejoice

in dark & and still, and one sole beauty only
who never walked near Henry while the mob
was at him like a club:
she saw through things, she saw that he was lonely
and waited while he hid behind the wall
and all.

unbearable lightness of sudden attack

今日看見一句話：
──人生的意義在於自我實現

嚇得我。

不是說，話有何錯；
只不過就那麼眼前一黑，
幾至於，伸手不見五指。

sight and sound

九月來了
十月還會遠嗎？

Voice Over：咁十一月又點

/fade