Thursday, August 31, 2006

over

All but all, August is over.
A heartbreaking August,
sad and shocked, be it or not be it, two weekends in a row, fed with mournful “pass away” news.
Three, beloved of all their loved ones, have gone; what else to come?

condolence is not the word

dear M, I cannot help but pasting your words...

"...We never had thought that she could not overcome this. We were so innocent about cancer, and we were badly informed and misled, or maybe we were in denial. She had always thought that it was the chemo that was causing her the problem. Indeed it was the chemo that broke down her immune system, but by the time she started vomiting and couldn’t hold down food or drink at the end of May, it was actually the cancer that was in full swing. But no one told us so, not in quantifiable terms. One alternative doctor recommended that we go down to Mississippi to seek help (which was difficult given A’s condition), or that he could try but it would be very challenging. The other guy asked us if we know the severity of the situation. Seeing how sick A was we agreed that it was severe, but we did not understand his definition of severity. Then he said something stupid like whether he could help her or not, he would be honest. Not understanding the severity of her condition, we did not act fast enough, and all the time the cancer was eating her up. All the time she was dying.

The conventional doctors were just there to help her die. From the moment she checked into the hospital, they treated her as if she was forgone history. They told me to get her hospice, that they would make her comfortable (I hate that word). All they cared was to get the “do not resuscitate” order from us..."

sad words

For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.'

-- John Greenleaf Whittier

Friday, August 25, 2006

走好

電話裡我聽見你聲音,叫你名字。你說是你嗎?等一等,我叫M來跟你說。
那是我們最後的對話。
最後一次聽見你聲音。
M說你的情況很不好。十多年來,更大的手術,也不曾聽過他語氣如此低沉。
化療令你身體虛弱,連說話都提不起精神。
自此我的心提在半空。每次電話響,都暗暗擔心。

那日你說這chemo令你手腳皮膚發黑,又腫,語氣一如當年第一次做腦手術,向我形容你的清裝頭。十多年來一關又一關,我們都試圖以尋常說話,走過最艱難時刻;這一次卻有不好預感,電話掛斷之後站在窗前看漫天霞彩,害怕與否,捨得與否,時日的光華總在眼前一點一點黑下來。
上星期再和M通上話,才知道你已經住進醫院三星期,怪不得電話一直沒人接。

今日東岸時間五點至八點M為你設靈。我告訴他不飛過去了,同一時間在這邊以自己方式送你。
本就打算下個月去看你。回來之後拖了又拖,幾個小時飛機,行程卻有千斤重。
你我皆心裡明白。
你不想我見。
我不忍心。
以後,從此,我只記得,你一如從前。

前兩天M說還不知道給你穿什麼衣服。我說最常穿的最舒服就好。M說你好鬼懨尖不喜歡就不要穿。我說所以就給她慣常穿的呀。
今日,不管穿什麼,一定要舒服。
剛才我去法印寺,靜靜坐著大多時候空無一念。你那邊八點,上一炷香,遙向天說,走好。

Friday, August 18, 2006

think of your life? what is a life

Auto-Lullaby
Franz Wright


Think of a sheep
knitting a sweater;
think of your life
getting better & better.

Think of your cat
asleep in a tree;
think of that spot
where you once skinned your knee.

Think of a bird
which stands in your palm;
try to remember
the 21st Psalm.

Think of a big pink horse
galloping south;
think of a fly, and
close your mouth.

If you feel thirsty, then
drink from your cup.
The birds will keep singing
until they wake up.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

心酸

掛了電話天便一點一點黑下來,都快八點了,即是你那邊已經近十一點。
肚子極餓,冰箱有飯有食送,卻胡亂塞兩口蛋糕填住胃,趕到門前拖了水喉澆花淋草。
白天再熱,夜來開始有寒意。
我握住水喉一端,水花在草坡上飛濺。幾天前站在同一個位置,不必抬頭,七月半的月亮就在眼前。
我說本就打算下個月飛過去一趟。雖然也不知道自己又可以做些什麼。
你說:A已經不是同一個A了,你來看見,只有心酸。
總是這樣,一次又一次,人一旦為疾病進佔,便逐分逐寸喪失本來面目。
我問你吃飯沒有。你說,就吃醫院的呀,A吃不下的,我吃了。
電療葯物反應令她吃什麼吐什麼,而且開始神智昏亂。
已經不可以想像你的難過。
而我問:你們還有conversation嗎?
你頓了一頓,說:常常是我向她說我的,她迷迷糊糊說自己的。
這樣的對話真使人肝腸寸斷。
現在我蹲下來,把長長的水喉逐分逐尺細細盤好。滿地水光。
這一年夏天,這屋前屋後一草一木,是我的宗教,依時依候不管草青草黃,拖著長長的水喉供奉它們蔓生蔓長。
物有榮枯,我所能做到的,澆水而已。
一花一生命。
常常站在花前。今年此日,我看見你開。

Monday, August 14, 2006

七月半

閏七月,即係有兩個農曆生日。
可第一個,已經過左,都唔覺意。
有人問,咁七月十四係米鬼門關連開兩次?
有人答,長篇大論節氣陰陽五行一輪,in brief,凡閏該月之節令只計一次。
即係陰魂們按例只得一回陽間遊。
無bonus

那日去看V和鄉親們建的廟,以為民間行事,小小心意。可規模之宏大,組織細致,開了眼界。
L. A.真係乜鬼都要大。
V說,我們在越南有過百年歷史。
一花一世界。一粒沙也常常鋪天蓋地另見風景。
V又說,七月半帶老人家來吃齋,這兒初一十五都設齋宴。
餐費全免,香油自便。
耳朵聽見七月半,因問之:不是七月十四嗎?什麼七月半?
同行的J來自新加坡,福建人,搭腔曰:是七月十五呀,我們也都說七月半。
哦。

Wednesday, August 9, 2006

Only if

不生不滅,不垢不淨,不增不減。
是故空中無色,無受想行識。

Tuesday, August 8, 2006

darn dark

It was almost dark I walked into the dark and saw me sitting, in dark
me looked up, thru darkness, we saw
no words to exchange and we exchanged no words.

Before dawn unfolded, this hour of the wolf, howling
and me sit still, listening to such moaning, of hours, passing by
and the first light came, whistling, me stood up, leaving behind I sitting, in this darn dark.

Tuesday, August 1, 2006

八月的詩

想找一首八月的詩,摷出一大堆月亮。
抬眼看牆上大幅月曆,七月的最後一天,原來是農曆七月初七。
牛郎和織女,都冇人提下你地。
連自己這一分鐘都忽然猶疑,七夕之源起,和傳說,關牛郎咩事?