Sunday, January 31, 2010

約了jf 見面,他大少約去ifc。本來就有點怕出入商場,尤其是這等繁華地;飛的士去,下了車還左轉右轉,電話中他只說一直行,我忽然發作:唔係個個好似你成日蒲國金架。
多時不見,他訕訕問:點解咁躁?
係有d 躁。
想起二哥趕住飛過去送老豆,忙機票又趕簽證,明明睇見眼前玻璃門,一頭撞上去,眼鏡割傷鼻樑,流血。那幾日他鬧人,公司人偷偷問:做乜佢咁躁?
當日還與他說:你應該話,係呀,我死老豆,大哂。
難道今日與jf 講,我媽走了,我好躁,大哂。
回來之前約好見面,是聽他說喪母之痛;結果變成他聽我講。
我們如此坐在露天平台,吃西北風,一瓶水,日光白白,看雲起雲舒,至暮色四合,灰霧掩降。jf 說,這霧氣不好。
我都費事話,呢處係你揀架。
都有說說話的時間,又有坐下來說的心情,有霧,有風,有d 凍,是但啦。
沒有誰的傷比另一人的傷更重;也沒有誰更該受人呵護。
愁苦,災難,每時每刻無處不是,只看他降落所在。
就昨日,馬頭圍道一整棟樓塌下來,有一些人從此失去親人。
這是昨日之前,無從預知的。
所有失去,都痛,沒有哪一把尺,有大能量度,誰比誰的痛更深。
分手的時候jf 陪我走到大門邊,指指點點如何往郵局方向走。我都冇躁啦,認得路喇。

Friday, January 29, 2010

sequences...

(媽走了。
是真看—走—眼—了嗎?)


Date: 01/27/2010
From: SL
To: EV

My mom passed away on the 26th, LA time, in the morning.
It's a shock when my sister called. This is ridiculous. She was pretty stable, no critical sign at all when I last saw her.
She died of heart failure; doctor in convalescent tried to revive her but failed.
Anyway, it's fact now.
My bag is not even unpacked, hv just booked the flight flying back. Same airlines, same flight number.
Call you when I'm there.


Date: 01/27/2010
From: EV
To: SL

O shit. really sorry to hear about the news. your father really did talk to her!
call me when you get in. i might be on my way to san francisco to meet up with my mom and angela. scheduled her to get second opinion from the tumor board of stanford medical. as of now, we are still at a difficult stage in deciding what is best for her. staying back in singapore or come to america. she is in a much critical stage than we thought. sigh. and every day counts.
have a safe flight over the pacific.


Date: 01/27/2010
From: EC
To: SL

I called LY. She told me your mom was OK yesterday around noon time; when she got there, your mom was already in a wheelchair so she took her outside the dinner room for some sunshine. She said your mom did look very tired afterwards, had some mucus in her throat, so she was breathing heavy when she lay her to bed. But anyway, your mom can really rest now. The Home has very limited help and she was suffering in there.
Take care!


Date: 01/25/2010
From: KL
To: SL

Off antibiotics on Saturday. Vital signs close to normal. Oxygen level 94, no need for oxygen mask to help to breathe. W and I visited on Sunday, no improvement in response. Today talked to 1. current physician DW, do not believe any over dose or contradiction of medications taken at this time. Sleepy and shaking can be symtoms of alzama or parkinson, since head MRI did not show signs, further tests could be invasive which may include sticking pin tube into brain and spine to collect sample tissue or something for testing purpose. Doctor’s opinion is that such test could carry certain level of danger to life and pain in result. In view of the eighty something years of age, even confirm of above diseases, what level of aggressive treatments if any can the body stand? Again Doctor’s opinion, for the time being, since there is no immediate impact in danger of life, try to give a little time for observation and see what will come up. DW also reviewed that mother had been under his care for less than a year, before that it was Dr. Q for quite a lengthy time. I gether that he brought this up was trying to say that he wouldn’t mind the family make a chance of doctor. 2. Talked to Dr. Q, pretty receptive, willing to take over the case thru standard procedure, but I get the feeling that the standard procedure of changing physician would include all necessary standardize testing and so on. I left both doors open at this time. May be you can take this up with M and W, whichever route we will take, I will support all the way, and I think I can manage things here with some help from the guys in L.A. Everything we do will be for one sole purpose: for the good of mother, even though with a lot of my groaning...


Date: 01/18/2010
From: SL
To: KL

She looked pretty stable and was in better spirit, plus DC came this afternoon; ended up Chan and I chatted at her bedside for almost two hours, she listened most of the time.
Tube feeding does need time to adjust, the nurses came quite frequent checking her stomach fluid residue, said to make sure the digestion system works right.


Date: 01/17/2010
From: SL
To: ML/WL/KCL

我第三次改期,至23號飛。
自你們回港後兩三日,老媽子開始不說話;每日去餵飯,通常向她獨白一兩個鐘,有眼神接觸,知道佢聽到。
初時覺得應是鬥氣。發展至唔同所有人講野,情況轉異常;上星期因發燒及早餐有哽咽現象,入emergency,冇大問題,留院,又插喉又吊鹽水,成日烏下烏下,過兩日發現吞咽有問題,情況似BB 仔,含住啖飯半睡半醒,反覆觀察幾日,決定由肚插喉輸營養奶(總比由鼻入好),小手術,星期四上午做,昨日星期五開始試,要觀察一兩日有冇排斥。
身體機能弱但應無大礙,意志消沉,近星期確實見佢身體反應同心想做的不協調,我有幾十個同學加朋友,每家都有老人,我媽現象原來不算罕有,不過佢轉差速度比較快。
你地咁遠冇乜可以做,亦無須太擔心,不過我覺得應該俾你地知道。
住L A 的人過去幾年撐老豆都好杰,輪都應該到我了,日日話俾老媽子聽,佢肯做物理治療,企得落地,唔駛兩個人抬上抬落,就由我負責照顧佢。
不過這一兩星期佢一般聽幾分鐘就眼烏烏,唔知佢收到幾多。


Date: 01/17/2010
From: SL
To: KL

my observation: the hospital environment is a major reason makes her feel so down.
plus, the catheter and other vital tubes are very uncomfortable, give her pain and fear. That's why I decide to spend more hours with her. At this time, familiar faces help the most.
I don't think she's physically so weak to an extent that her life is in danger. Once the feeding tube is confirmed with no negative rejection, don’t see what other reasons the hospital should continue keeping her.
Should she do hv a problem with the brain or nerve system, that's another long term story, SGVH is not the right place for her to stay.
I did not press for her release; when I talked to these people I always hv my way to see more from what is told.


Date: 01/16/2010
From: SL
To: KL

Nurse in SGVH called house phone re medication for bone, gave me a reason to call Dr W's office. Wong’s nurse returned call, indicated according to Wong, mom should be released in couple of days; therefore, the injection could wait.
Started tube feeding, need observation probably for one to two more days. Her condition appears stable, except really not able to hold her concentration; drowsy.
I check with people for similiar syndromes, it might really hv something to do with the brain nerves, which, regardless of what, rather she's back to convalescent, we'll then follow up with further expert opinion.


Date: 01/15/2010
From: SL
To: JT

my supposed return date was Jan 05 and it has been postponed three times, return flight is now booked on Jan 23rd.
dad's funeral is over; things needed to be taken care are done.
it's now mom's turn; has been in and out hospital and convalescent, nothing critical but takes time and attention. Since my bros and sis have spent quite some years on our dad, guess it's about time for me to take over.
talk to you when I'm back to HK.

Monday, January 25, 2010

once, born free

在浦東機場轉機,捧住部laptop 上網。都好天真,以為有Wi-Fi 就四通八達,結果my favorites 十問九唔應,blogspot,wordpress 等等全線失蹤,yahoo hk,check mail 都冇門口入,行舊路,去yahoo usa好轉折咁開自己個郵箱。ESNW 係自出自入,仲有,秋螢網頁原來亦受國家禮遇 ……(汝等詩人,好還神lor.)
在人簷下過,當然明白,唔識翻牆,再多阻滯,航班再延遲,亦只係少少唔方便,想我鄉親們,每日如是,引頸張望,好多網上網外的,若即若離。

Once, we were all born free.

有日便,一隻二隻,被圈養。

而我之所有。要惜福。



(咩呢,是為記。)

Saturday, January 23, 2010

null

隔江看岸;敏感病發,對許些字詞,直頭係,厭煩——

政策、高鐵、反高鐵、傳媒、政客、八十後、反思、利益輸送、公信力、公投、基本法、政改方案、建制派、講師、學者、杯葛……

Fussed.


(想寫的多,落手的少。係呀,鍾意講又得,唔講又得——冇人夠手長,拉到我去坐監,喎。)

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

溢滿的

— 在我敵人面前,你為我擺設筵席;你用油膏了我的頭,使我的杯滿溢。(詩篇23)

— 你沒有用油抹我的頭;但這女人用香膏抹我的腳。(路加福音)


我用滿掌的潤膚油,撫抹母親的腳、小腿,順延而上,按壓膝蓋,至大腿;每次觸及腳跟,她必張嘴,即既無聲,以形容呼痛。我就雙手指壓她腳掌,一面說,唔痛唔痛,邊有痛,d 痛假,再唔郁d 關節,梗哂就弊lor ...

有些什麼,在我們眼底下,發生。
難道又一次,看走了——眼。



(人的腦和心,住在同一個身體;也許從來不曾相遇;也許窮盡一生,彼此背棄。
有幾多人知道,這兩者之間,是一段怎樣的距離,崎嶇的路。)

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

難友們

與大嫂站我媽床邊;我向母親說話,嫂低頭看掌上email.
母親拒絕說話以來,我每日上演一人獨白,邊餵食,說;邊清理床邊几上別人送來雜食,說;進出洗手間清洗刀叉小件,說。護士阿嬸鄰房病友經過,探頭招呼,我媽要連戲保持緘默,話都由我來說。
此時我嫂以番文道郵件內容,她父親一條腿被截肢了。糖尿病。他住南美。
要向我媽轉述嗎。我問。
她想了想,也好,讓她知道有人處境比她更壞。
如是翻譯她父狀況。我母親,眼含淚光,臉脹紅,繼續沉默。
回家路上嫂問,她一句話不應,你怎還可以跟她說這麼多?
話,總得有人來說的。

母親從療養院送急症室。無大礙,留院觀察。
晚上偕侄兒看她。平日與grandma 英文台對中文台,這夜grandma 罕見地不搭理他。我,繼續一人獨白。
回程他納悶,why didn’t she talk?
She thinks she’s being abandoned. She’s not happy.
You take Psychology One? 我問。
Not yet. 他答。
This is basic psychology. 我說。
之後無話。他的車,聽他慣聽音樂。路黑而長。

我妹夫,去看他外母。向我妹報告,如何費盡唇舌,得沉默對付。
他軟硬兼施,與我母曰,我都好忙架,你唔答我,我唔黎架喇。
妹事忙,電話通消息。我只說,上次大班人見完佢,過一兩日忽然唔講野啦。
妹夫母親住溫哥華,隔天洗腎,聽說近日也很critical.

來日方長。去日苦多。
一言難盡。但笑相談。也就,過日子吧。


(父親尾七。凌晨坐他大照片旁邊,寫字。四十九天,起迭啊,長篇啊。只沒想清楚,要說從頭,它屬散文,還是小說體。
逝者去,地上的事,再執著,可以不撒手嗎。)

Saturday, January 9, 2010

bits and pieces ...

同一個場景,個人的回記,與同場其他人所憶想,是混聲合唱,單音複調——
光影折射,何曾反映事實真相的全部。


隔了大大海洋。
不只是距離。
之於人、地方、處境——
有情無愛,是那裡出了問題。
有愛而無情,又是那裡出問題。


對口味的就是好吃。
合乎自己心性的就是好人。
當然知道黑與白之外還有五顏六色——
可若黑白既亦忘之乎,顏色於我何有哉。


待要發聲——
幾時置身偌大的山洞了呀。
深不見前後左右,但聽迴聲隆隆......


(yup, bits and pieces; vintage, moss, and mold …)

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

quick bites, here and there...

寫了一些字。
待要貼上來,叮地改變主意。
則緩之。暫延之。

Searching memory.

何如——
李叔同圓寂前最後手書:
「君子之交,其淡如水,執象而求,咫尺千里。問余何適,廓爾忘言,華枝春滿,天心月圓。」


(延歸期,便多了時間,於是見下舊人,吃飯……)

Friday, January 1, 2010

lingering

時差就是,你們已經bi bi ba ba 喜歡也好抗拒也留不住,進入又一個新年,而同一個地球,這兒目下日光白白,一年之既盡,餘留半日時光,黃昏都未至,好似許多還沒發生的事、好多從不曾發生的事,都大有可能——