一向年光有限身？

四月過去
小思

第一次讀艾略特《荒原》，首句是「四月是最殘酷的月份」，我反覆細讀，還無法揣摩含意，卻又莫名地把此句永鑄心頭。
先想起暮春花落，微雨紛飄，中國詩人傷春之句，多在此時寫就。當年四月，京都垂櫻下，我緩緩步履，在落櫻拂了一身還滿之際，憬悟了，也許，殘酷，乃天地給荒廢時光的人一種提示：空念遠，於事無補，不如憐取眼前人。我回來，我懂得那提示，我實踐。
自從經過2003 年四月，一場瘟疫逞惡，閃念之間，人命危淺。愚人之日，市民奔走儲糧、淘大花園無辜居民的倉皇出走、文華頂樓張國榮的聳身一跳，那慌張，那驚心動魄，「四月是最殘酷的月份」，驀然濃鎖一心。隨之而來的，謝婉雯醫生病重、疫症死去人數日多。原來，四月，不是詩人筆底的傷春，憐取眼前人，也不容易，剎那間，生命就在眼前消失了。
今年四月，世界各地的天氣地氣完全不合常規，天公震怒，以譴人事胡為。單看國土上，地動山搖，狂風暴雨，不該下雪的地方下厚雪，不該乾旱的地方裂得寸草不生。事後如何補救，玉樹地震，冰島火山噴發，沙塵暴、火山灰，一切，人都躲不了。看到週刊封面，一幅玉樹的人體堆疊火葬照片，儘管相信「修短隨化，終期於盡」，也難洗淒傷。
今年四月，4 號文友柴娃娃逝世，20 號文友黃奇智逝世，26 號前輩劉殿爵老師逝世，在此我深深哀悼，安息就好。
人，如此無能為力。淒傷，不是寫一首詩一篇文可以洗去，午夜靜思，還是盡己力做好眼前事，盡心憐取眼前人。盡其在我，我明白了。
（2010 年5 月1 日明報）


（那麼便，去翻舊賬，陳年荒原找出來，網上版——）

APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
Winter kept us warm, covering
Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers.
Summer surprised us, coming over the Starnbergersee
With a shower of rain; we stopped in the colonnade,
And went on in sunlight, into the Hofgarten,
And drank coffee, and talked for an hour.
Bin gar keine Russin, stamm' aus Litauen, echt deutsch.
And when we were children, staying at the archduke's,
My cousin's, he took me out on a sled,
And I was frightened. He said, Marie,
Marie, hold on tight. And down we went.
In the mountains, there you feel free.
I read, much of the night, and go south in the winter.

What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow
Out of this stony rubbish? Son of man,
You cannot say, or guess, for you know only
A heap of broken images, where the sun beats,
And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,
And the dry stone no sound of water. Only
There is shadow under this red rock,
(Come in under the shadow of this red rock),
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
Frisch weht der Wind
Der Heimat zu.
Mein Irisch Kind,
Wo weilest du?
'You gave me hyacinths first a year ago;
'They called me the hyacinth girl.'
—Yet when we came back, late, from the Hyacinth garden,
Your arms full, and your hair wet, I could not
Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither
Living nor dead, and I knew nothing,
Looking into the heart of light, the silence.
Od' und leer das Meer...
...
— The Waste Land / T.S. Eliot (1888–1965)


（四月是最殘酷的？三月也不好，二月很差，一月壞事，十二月難過，十一月神傷——還好，還好，都走過了。卻也就，另一年，轉眼便又過半。日子，原來不是要來數的……）